So what does it feel like to be dead? Well it’s definitely not painful but it doesn’t feel quite right either, like something is missing. But hell, that’s a lot like how I felt when I was alive. But at least being alive I could try out a number of things to see if that’s what was missing. Usually that wouldn’t do it. It’s pretty much a vagueness about everything, maybe a little like anxiety when you don’t have any idea what you’re anxious about. Fortunately that’s a condition I don’t experience here, wherever here is. I never feel anxious. Actually I don’t seem to have any feelings at all except that anger towards agents and publishers that came across the great divide with me. No, it’s just a sense that something significant is missing. It’s a matter of what comes to mind under a variety of circumstances. I suppose, at one time or another, almost everything is in play.Penman on Death

What it adds up to is the accumulation of all the things you miss about life, the large and the small, the trivial, or what seemed trivial at the time, and the significant, which seemed significant at the time and feels that way now. Often it’s complicated, like I described in my last blog, like when I see a woman I desire and then think about all the complications being with a woman involves. Although I can’t see what complications can be involved in my current state since who would want to be involved in an ongoing way with a man who isn’t alive. I can imagine a number of problems a woman like that would have even if having sex with a dead man isn’t one of them. There’s no way I can contribute financially to the relationship. I don’t suppose there are a lot of women who would go for that. And if she was a woman who wanted a child, I can’t imagine that a dead man’s sperm is very likely to produce an offspring. And what about household responsibilities? Just when it’s my turn to do the dishes I disappear, back into the void, and all I can say when I come back is “I’m sorry.”

 

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